I cannot do

I cannot do but let it go

Choice is brief - Regret ongoing

And so the past off center keeps

My present way of knowing

I can't be just in today

My mind keeps looking back

It worries about yesterday

And all the things I lack

I'm learning to be more open

To let this day be fresh and new

And bring to it a happy heart

That sees a brand new view

So full of my potentials

My imaginations cache

I learn to get my ideas out

And turn them into cash

Keep it being a brand new day

And trust my inner sense

As thoughts and day dreams visit

Offering gentle guidance

PFK

9/05

I live in a heart shaped world

Where things go wrong anyway and frighten

But someone reaches out - Encourages

And my load seems to lighten

And my life gets a lift

From things that weigh me down

And my attitudes shift

And I smile instead of frown

Love and kindness work that way

They facilitate me my life to live

It's a lot of give and take

And I get pretty much what I give

PFK

3/10

I've only wanted one safe place

And trial by fire has been my lot

My parents couldn't give me what they didn't have

And I think of all that I am not

And now I've found it for myself

Through shame and hate with tears and grief

And now I am what I was not

And I have found the thief

Who took the thing I wanted

But left a clue or two

My life is slowly healing

And self love is coming true

PFK

2/06

I've never had my heart's desire

I didn't know what that was

My life was about survival

And I never knew the cause

My problems were not obvious

But they were odious and real

I seemed to have a nice childhood

But I didn't know how to feel

My parents were like doughnuts

With holes where their hearts should be

They tried hard and they meant well

But they couldn't give what they never got - you see

My childhood went on anyway

In spite of any improbability

And I grew up the best I could

I took it as my responsibility

And I learned what I needed to know

In my own personal way

I set my own standard

I decided what I had to say

I had therapists who listened

And told me I made sense

And encouraged me on my way

And I found my recompense

Life is better with some healing

Wounds go untended or issues left undone

I struggled years to sort it out but

Through it all I'm glad to have gone

I didn't get much of what I wanted

But I value what I achieved

I found my truth - It set me free

At last I'm so relieved

My heart's desire has come

In ways I couldn't see

My ego needed a healthy dose

Of love's humility

PFK

4/09

I have met my monster who's enraged by invalidation

His presence makes me feel out of control

My life is never my own in such a situation

And I won't play the what-I-was-born-to role

I have struggled for insight and am beaten but successful

The lumps I took strengthened my resolve

To have the faith I'd see it through and know the bliss of peace

It's what I need to help me to evolve

Walking down the path I'm given (I don't think I asked for this)

I'm humbled now and just as well amused

New life has taught me how to laugh (who knew that I forgot)

It explains a lot how I was so confused

And of course in much denial (It's nothing new to me)

But inch by inch I succeed a little more

And now I know my monster can sabotage it all

If I don't keep him on his side of the door

I need to learn to love myself (Unless I do who will)

My existence is a gift from God to me

Now I know how to feel with my heart - The proof is on

The inside - Something you can't see

And yet it's just a language I slowly had to learn

My path is never straight but serpentine

And now I know it daily (At least that much I've learned)

While moving along this blessed path of mine

PFK

2/06

I dreamed I was in prison

Captured by my past

My habits had caught up with me

My die was darkly cast

My bars were made of memories

And gave me little room

Deprived of any movement

My cage felt like a tomb

I have struggled with my life

And the lessons I had to learn

Denial was my jailer

Grim and blind and stern

And angry beyond measure

And how could I know this

Holding onto anger

Destroys my chance for bliss

I lived through devastation

But was not lost for good

Humility and compassion

Now stand where I stood

My past recedes as always

I get out of the way

I practice love and faith

But compassion holds me sway

PFK

1/06

Offensive Offending Offended

What else could I possibly be

Lost in the chaos of my day

And all my negativity

Wake up - Slow down - Get a grip

Relax my grip upon my day

Release is an option of overload

Let it go another way

It doesn't have to go my way

It's old behavior tired and fraught

After looking all these years

I've learned a brand new ought

I ought to pray for guidance

And listen to what comes

I ought to cultivate a state

Of twiddling my thumbs

Rushing around doesn't do it

It's an old pattern - Let it go

Let my day define itself

Around the goal I know

PFK

12/05

It's hard to build new bridges

Some I don't even want to cross

But I have spent a lifetime

Learning about loss

I cross the bridge to get to where

I ultimately need to be

But time and motivation

Work on me confusingly

How I feel and what I want

Don't usually coincide

But hopefully things are better

On the other side

This place is old behavior

I just need to walk away

Do something better and different

And let new habits hold me sway

PFK

9/05

I try to see the world the way

It makes much better sense

Honoring the connectedness

That fits each circumstance

We come together for a time

To refine love in the world

The people we attract

Reflect the energy we serve

All that happens is a lesson

I figure out then try to use

Some happiness to have

Before my time here I lose

My hardest lesson reframed my heart

And let my soul light shine

It showed me all that I could be

Within my given time

PFK

9/05

May love enter in and gently touch

Each aspect of my life

That causes me to feel

I haven't got it right

The problems that I wrestle with

Which trigger insecurity

May I keep my cool and not give up

In spite of the iniquity

That I perceive each problem has

I know I may have got it wrong

Until I can better figure it out

I'll try and sing a happy song

To keep my flagging spirits up

And occupy my obsessing mind

Which puts me in a lathered state

If left unchecked - I'll try to find

The patience that gentle love provides

It's not a place I easily go

But I am finding practice

Is helping me - And so

I will wait and take good care

That love is welcomed here

So it's not undone what love can do

And peace is safe to appear

For love and peace are so entwined

There's room inside my heart

For happiness and joy as well

If I can master love's art

PFK

11/05

I know about waiting

I have waited for faith

While searching for humility

I have waited for death several times

And life as well with tender bitter longing

I know waiting is the work of life

Children are not exempt

But more than anyone

They wish they were

I have preferred to wait

Rather than work

Before I knew better

I have waited for love

But someone else's tyranny

Was worse than mine own

Yet oddly familiar

Now I don't mind waiting

When I wait I know for what I wait

If I wait now

It's for traffic lights and grocery lines

And for enough information

Before timely moving ahead

With my heart shaped struggle

Paradoxically for me

Spontaneity

Opportunistically sparks

The fires of patience

When my wind whipped soul

Needs the warmth and

Shelter of waiting

PFK

3/01

An earth angel said Hello today

When I really needed it

My mood can dip so quickly

I'm lost if I've not heeded it

Confused and overwhelmed

Can so creep up on me

And catch me unawares

If I don't take time to see

Where my emotional day is heading

Based on just what I've gone through

I should know me well enough

To know what I need to do

To get my ballast back again

So I can sail on though my day

Or maybe just to sit at port

Will today be just okay

And whatever storm I have to face

Will blow through then let me be

But angels keep me on my course

I see this gratefully

PFK

12/04

The moon is my redeemer

She sees but doesn't tell

The moon is my soul tamer

She knows me oh so well

We all need a loving witness

Her acceptance casts a spell

I am past my last crossroads

Oh the stories I could tell

PFK

9/07

Today is a perfect Friday

The horizon seems pristine

In the morning - At a distance

Before details intervene

PFK

9/07

I'm letting go my illusions

Cast adrift on my life's tide

Releasing what I thought I knew

I vow to love the entire ride

Love doesn't always imply enjoyment

Oh the work of love and the follow through

Love isn't simply what I have

Love is ultimately what I do

It's what I do about what bothers me

The support the succor the chance

I see and take - that's with compassion filled

Which calms me in spite of the circumstance

PFK

10/07

Change

I dread that change is coming

It will not let me sleep

It keeps me feeling aimless

It will not let me weep

It seems with anger restive

It lingers unresolved

My thoughts I cannot focus

Nor problems neatly solve

It comes at me unbidden

On quiet cat paw feet

And tingles my nerve endings

Away it will not keep

But stirs the darkest thoughts

With imagination's power

And turns a simple minute

Into the longest hour

PFK

4/06

Every day is a leap of faith

Who can know what's coming

I have the goals I figure out

Developments can be stunning

Detours figure in any given day

In spite of what I know

Bumped off my path I figure out

The Plan B way to go

With a dearth of reassurance

Who's ever prepared to be scared

Knocked off course - struggling on

Amazed that anyone cared

Enough to ask if they could help

It's as surprising as the detours

But grief and any catastrophe

Reveals support along my course

PFK

8/07

I do not deign to undermine

The way to go from here

The thought of moving on today

Just leaves me feeling queer

I think I need to hunker down

And take a little rest

But feeling somewhat reticent

Never produced my best

It takes a little work

To move forward every day

Have some faith and take a step

And trust I'll be OK

Take my time and take stock

Reflect on what I feel and see

Spend some time with what I know

Make room for the next epiphany

PFK

7/07

Honesty will move you through

What's blocked you until now

But first you have to focus

And make a heart felt vow

To give up your old controls

And get out of your head

The road taken must be ventured

With fresh soft eyes instead

To see what it is you need to see

As you pursue your quest

As kind and compassionately as you can

With hope your quiet guest

PFK

6/07

When something in your life goes wrong

Pay attention - You will learn a lot

About yourself your world your strengths

About the kind of luck you got

The experiences of your flowing life

Whether horrible of sublime

Are lessons and soul messages

To accept during your given time

On the evolving blue planet

It's your job to evolve as well

How far down the path will you get

Be patient - It takes time to tell

PFK

6/07

Speak of love

How can I speak of love

I was lost for so long

I grew up in a family 

That tried but simply got it wrong

It was the coal mine 

This canary called home

I grew up with people

But felt mostly alone

How could kind nice people have not a clue

Sadly it was most of what I knew

But how we start doesn't always determine

How far we finally grew

PFK

6/07

Morning feels broken

I can't stay out of bed

And all my crazy hopeless thoughts

Echo in my head

Why can I not fixate on

Some good love in my heart

I don't choose a good focus

Which defeats me before I start

Morning is not broken

My choices are what's wrong

To have a better outcome

I must sing a better song

PFK

6/07

I have felt depressed like you

No wish to respond at all

In the moment lost and forlorn

Without any conscious wherewithall

But that is phase you go through

If you want to finally adjust

It's a form of what everyone goes through

If they remember to do what they really must

Life doesn't happen by itself

You struggle through the good fight

If you do the work which brings results

Things slowly come out right

PFK

6/07

Make a living memory

Take a piece of time

Put it somewhere safe

Know it is sublime

As a souvenir

Like in amber cast

Captured cherished and

Simply meant to last

PFK

6/07

Finding my way

2009 was a difficult year for me. I did not think I would survive financially. But I could see a bigger picture and the slow but undeniable evolution of it all:

I see that things are shifting

And I never thought they would

But I have practiced my talent

Of turning bad to good

Sounds simple when I say it

But it took this life to see

That problems presage blessings

If I work them out - I see

I gave my life to my mother

Five years before the end

I had no foresight - No other wish

I hadn't thought of dividends

That struggle was pernicious

But good for me as well

Having done the best I could

I finally can tell

That life had slowly built me up

I thought it had worn me down

But look what I have hand

Since I leapt to live in town

And take care of my mother

It was not an easy job

Care taking was relentless

I tidied her life - And lived like a slob

Looking back the sacrifice

Was blessed and made good sense

But I never saw with foresight

What would be the consequence

I'm not sure what I have

But in my life I revel

Like water on this earth

I have found my own level

PFK

12/09

Going back to the fall of 2007, I had pushed through the transitional struggle of refinancing my home/apt. building. It took 6 months to find a bank and 6 months with the bank to complete the deal; in the middle of the last 6 months, I had colon surgery:

Life is all about detours

The disruptions to my flow

I'd prefer a life that's linear

With beginning middle end - you know

Wishes drift like leaves in the fall

Now I feel out of gear

A little I'd take - But I've gotten it all

And I'm not quite through this year

What to do with my time is my quandary

Without worry pressure doubt

Off all the stuff I've had to figure

That I haven't quite figured out

But my struggles have been successful

My coping skills are intact 

My shoes re-heeled - My water jug filled

I anticipate with faith my next act

But I really don't want to do it - I'm tired

My lethargy feels profound

My fear is somewhere hiding

My will will not rebound

And simply face my next challenge

God only knows when it will drop

And only after it does if it does when it does

Do I embrace it and patiently figure it out

PFK

9/07

For every storm there is an edge

And winds to blow away the rain

Each painful loss eventually can have

Its comforting hard earned gain

Which can simply be

Like letting go some

Of something known

Making way for new life to come

PFK

6/02

How to love the life you have

Who doesn't need to learn

But as you grow and live your life

Your truth you will discern

From everything that happens

From everything you do

And as you do the best you can

A peace comes over you

You can see it in your eyes

The small smile on your face

And thus you come to know 

The gentle touch of grace

PFK

12/04

I'm still moved by the realization that I wrote this last poem as my mother lay dying.

Thank you for visiting my thoughts and feelings with me down my sacred path.   PFK

I struggle so with changing

In the recent musical SECRET GARDEN a young girl had worked through the winter to revive a forgotten family garden.  In the spring when everything bloomed, the novice gardener was overwhelmed with the lush beauty and exclaimed: "Where did it all come from!?" A compassionate elder answered: "From all your hard work! Where do you think?"

Sometimes the reality can overwhelm the idea; emotional recovery is like that:

I struggle so with changing

It's like my chrysalis doesn't fit

Internally I'm in chaos

Quietly feeling out of it

But change - It is relentless

Opposed - It will not be

No wonder I feel helpless

With these feelings coming out of me

I could use a therapist

To observe and take good notes

To help me keep my focus

And take down all my quotes

You said you feel like giving up

What would change if you did

Now can you see more clearly

Why you did what you did

I break it down and pull it apart

To see what I can find

How it reflects precisely

All my thoughts within my mind

And the feelings that go with them

It's marvelous to see

Influences which forged my heart

In the smithy of my family

But now I am reforming

My rigid defenses melt

In the heat of all this attention

I re-feel how I felt

And I fear I cannot stand the heat

When it's just a part of me

Seeing parts and feeling parts

Redefine my heart that's Me

It can't happen if I don't do the work

On the work of art that's me

My truth I see as beautiful

Once I set my feelings free

PFK

8/09

New personal Insights

Independence Day 2008 was a poignant personal celebration for me. Of course I wrote a poem:

I'm seeing new personal insights

Right here where I stand

Looking over my personal landscape

The prodigal son - Now an old man

Through this life like a phoenix

Starting over after I'm done

Being the celebrant loser

In a quandary - Lost vs. Won

Starting over is a blessing

When I connect with things to know

Survival like grief is a process

And I go as fast as I go

It's a wonder to consider

What I've been through - Where I've gone

And the amount of time it's taken

And the amount of time undone

PFK

07/04/08

the following poem holds some thoughts about my survival. Watching PBS I heard a Peruvian ask colloquially: "How is your walking life?"

How is your walking life

is there peace in your purlieu

From dream leaving to bliss taking

Then waking up to again be new

Can you leave the past behind

And see the day fresh and clear

As it is and almost innocent

With inner knowing to balance any fear

Eyes of wonder - Eyes with joy

Showing your skies to be blue

Does your interior reflect what's outside

Or does the outside show what's in you

It's all in your perspective

The world you see from behind your eyes

And if it isn't perfect

Do not apologize

Practice living - It's worth getting right

Just see it as a holy dance

Embrace the wonders within and without

See today as a perfect chance

PFK

11/06

Surgery + sacred wounds

A month after my mother's death, I had a pain in my gut - it turned out to be diverticulitis. I had gotten the diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, while dealing with my father's Alzheimer's disease.  This was just the logical progression of the disease after  10 years of care taking my parents.

Finally my Dr. told me I should consider elective surgery to avoid emergency surgery with a perforated colon.  He explained insurance would pay for surgery after two attacks. I had had 5 attacks in 2 years. I was motivated to do it. 

I  had accomplished filing 8 years of back taxes. As I struggled to refinance my home/apt. building, I slowly ran out of money as I headed toward colon surgery. In February I faced surgery and financial chaos - not knowing until June that all would be well. I wrote the next poem several months before my surgery:

Sacred wounds in your life

That change you for all time

Unasked for daunting challenges

Seemingly without reason or rhyme

Who are we but the stories we tell

Of the journey down our sacred path

Journeys good and journeys bad

Reveal the blessing that we have

And offer us the  honest chance

To really look and see

What we're finally made of

At the cutting edge of inquiry

About how we face what scares us

Can we control our own response

Based on what we're learning

As life takes things we love

And we're forced to see into ourselves

And our own complacency shatter

Like spring thaw cracks the great sea ice

New movement reveals what's the matter

Allowing a new season to at last

Begin and welcome growth

Which comes from creation and destruction

Change at first makes us wroth

As we reflect on both pro and con

We finally come to say

Survival is as survival does

As we literally remake our way

And dig through our destruction

For the gems we find within

The rubble from our past life

And the achievements  that we win

When we face our struggle

As honestly as we can

We see the diamond gifts of hindsight

And see how it all began

PFK

11/06

The redemption of expression

I started thinking about doing this blog in a positive, albeit hesitant, insecure way in Aug 09. By the end of the year, I had lost all my savings.  In Feb 2010, I realized I had to sell my house and find Section 8 housing, seeing it as another consequence of our Great Recession. 

As my world was on the cusp of major change and transitions - a small voice inside seemed to say - "This is a good time to start something new." - I got the sense that I should go back and visit my other transitions - and heed my own wisdom in the past - and share it as well. I know I am not alone in my country, in my world.

Like a drooping, thirsty, ignored plant - Our faith needs watering - Anyway we can - To move forward with loving resolve - To find  our way. I love the lyric from a rock song: The spirit of life - Is the will to carry on

Inhale - Exhale

Take in - Let go

Nourish your faith

Practice what you know

PFK

3/10

I've been entering a group of 17 poems - but these next three poems I just wrote to cope in the present:

Oh my life is drama

I'm a victim and distressed

But not everything that happens

Needs to be addressed

I just need my focus

Minus detours with my ego

That wants to fight my dad

And refuses to let go

When awareness leads to surrender

And acceptance of what is

It belongs to no one else

Not theirs -Not hers -Not his

PFK

3/10

God help me - I have lost my way

My emotions I can't bear

I am in new territory

I have shed such bitter tears

My life is changing much too fast

I do not feel I kept

My wits in the past in check enough

Now I have to watch my step

With every step I take

When I look at my behavior

I see I dropped my faith

I have lost hope of a savior

I'm trying to save myself

I feel desperation's growl

I think of giving up

I feel that wild dogs howl

Just to make a sound

Throw it out - Let it go

In the night - To a dark moon

What do I have to know

What have I forgotten

As I stumble on my way

Lost in feeling rotten

I forget what I would say

To anyone so miserable

I can't think - I can only feel

I should only hunker down

Til I figure out what is real

PFK

3/10

God has blessed me - I can tell

I've had this healing home

All my emotional mid-life work

While here - I let it come

And worked it through & found my peace

Within these gorgeous walls

But nothing lasts forever

I can almost say I don't mind at all

I've had my many feelings

Anger Fear Anxiety Tears

But my perseverating gratitude

Assuages all my fears

Once an emotional storm passes

I'll remember what I've had

Since nothing lasts forever

Saying farewell doesn't feel all bad

And life is often bittersweet

With new growth - Change and loss

I find my balance seeing both ways

My choices are no longer a coin toss

For I have grown in confidence

Living in this - My now happy home

I built it up from its blighted state

My adventures would fill a tome

My mother inspired and included me

From her dream came my healing home

Now I have had the benefit

And it frees me to move on

PFK

3/10

Survival

I'm trying to start slow and commit to daily entries - almost 2 weeks later ... and my world having significantly shifted - I'm remembering my intent with my blog.  Last year (2009) I started saying - "Life is good. But it ain't easy."

I need to remember that - and just pick up where  I left off - RIGHT? -  So be it.

Struggling to survive financially - after my mom's death - I had to figure out and file 8 years of back taxes - 4 for my mom and 4 years for me.  I took care of her bills and daily finances but I couldn't do the taxes.  I told myself - "Do it when you can."

After her death, it took two years to get all of our taxes filed and fines paid.

The next three poems reflect my prayers and ultimate success.

Give me strength

to meet my day

Open my eyes

to see the way

Calm my heart

to find my peace

Thereby making

all doubts cease

Bless my tongue 

to use the word

So that my heart

and mind be heard

Resolve my will

to walk my path

Which gives me

all the grace I need

 PFK

1/03

I greet the day with a prayer

With love and open hands

And through them all my past will flow

Like so many grains of sand

This day is new - Let me start fresh

And see just what is there

And if I stumble on my path

I'll add another prayer

For peace and for confidence

And for some patience too

And all the strength to get me through

All I need to get through

And better if I start my day

With resolve and intentions true

(And let me not obsess upon

My list of things to do)

PFK

9/01

I WANT TO SAY PLEASE

I've learned to say Thanks

I know I'm on my way

I'm pointed in the right direction

After quite a long delay

I wasn't listening with my heart

My ego was engaged

I thought life had passed me by

My decline set and staged

But planting seeds and tilling soil

Had set me up to see

A garden that was possible

Which in time has come to be

The place I always wanted

To relax in and take stock

Of a life I healed and nurtured

I feel I've turned back the clock

And life is so much better

And I am so content

And I am so much better

My growth has been well spent

PFK

3/06

My mother's death

My mom died peacefully in a local hospital on Christmas eve, after being hospitalized for about 3 weeks. I called 911 when she complained of feeling like she was be sick. I asked her where it hurt. She pointed to her chest and I was on the phone. The medic said her vitals were not bad. I said she has low blood pressure and she doesn't complain. They agreed to take  her in - long story short - she ended up in the ICU once they got her heart enzymes from her blood work.

So she didn't suffer because of early intervention.

In JAN 2005 I wrote the next two poems.

GREAT

That it didn't go on forever

That it was as good as it was

That I tried and didn't give up

And I love finally because

You chose to see the world my way

With your life you entrusted me

I'm grateful we found love together

And I will always be

Grateful and amazed

And graceful because of you

And all I came to know and trust

While we saw it through

To its painful resolution

Loss most always implies pain

Grateful I can say

I'd do it all again

PFK

1/o5

Gentle snowfall

Hope reborn

Quiet beauty

If you're warm

Nature's swirling

Flakes of down

Gently fall 

And settle down

Just like hope

As it settles in

Changing your vision

Of everything

PFK

1/05

One and a half years after Taco's death, I still had not found another dog. But when I had to call 911 when my mom passed out, I though to myself - "I want a puppy."  I went out the next day to look. I ended up bringing home a mini, long-haired, chocolate brown dachshund. I called him Sami.

I had always thought when I first got Taco that she would help me through my mom's decline. Instead, she helped me understand grief - which helped me face my mom's eventual passing. But it was Sami who saw me through the sad inevitability.

He was and is a perfect companion for me. But I call him "handsome but headstrong".

I  wrote this poem about Taco right before I got Sami.

It's hard to let it fall away

Whatever was the norm

The changes life can put you through

As you your new life form

The landscape's less familiar

Until you accept it's not the same

New options feel peculiar

What once was will never be again

Unless your memory holds it clear

In some secret place within your heart

Where love burns like the eternal flame

A light within your present dark

Just as darkness precedes the day

Your life will lighten once again

Your life will soon recommence

New vantages to gain

At some point  memories arise

And sweet the past does seem

And you recall that life again

As if it was a pleasant dream

PFK

9/04

introduction + death and beyond grief

INTRODUCTION:

I have struggled with depression all my adult life. I worked in mental health hospitals (2) helping others while I did my own individual therapy. Over 20 years, I was in weekly therapy for 12 years with 3 different and very helpful therapists.

I learned to journal seeing my 3rd and last therapist (1992-1999). The journaling turned into poetry. I left therapy at the age of 52 - just before I retired early to care for my mom.

I continue to cope and grow by expressing myself through words. I refer to it as EMOTIONAL POETRY.  It comes from more consciously feeling my way through my life. I'm learning to nurture as well as listen to myself in the moment. I'm finishing my second decade of poetry.

ABOUT ME:

I began in earnest - my spiritual journey - when I retired early.  My efforts in therapy helped me make the leap to leave a paycheck and take care of my m0m.  It felt like such a risk. But I knew if I didn't - I'd be like my father - controlled by fear and never willing to take a risk.

I leapt and I've been fine.  It wasn't easy or quick - but it has been very instructive. Late in life I have learned to love myself and the people in my life.

BEGINNING:

After two years of care taking my mom, she would say to me, "Peter, we need some enthusiasm." Sadly she was right. Then I heard about a litter of puppies and I asked for a female. I called her Taco. She was part mini-dachshund and part King Charles spaniel - weighing about 14 lbs.  She was irrepressibly sweet and affectionate with everyone. Taco became our enthusiasm.

For three years she helped me understand a lot about love and joy. When she was killed  by a car, I learned about grief. My mom and I helped each other through it. 

I wrote the next 4 poems about Taco:

I feel life has left me

At the wayside on a road

Which heads off to the distance

But I've put down my load

Momentarily crippled

My mind has gone quite numb

A loss has cleaved my heart in two

And I have now become

An ache adrift without a place

Where life feels not the same

My mind keeps drifting backwards

I weep at the mention of her name

I know I need to figure out

A way to carry on

But I am lost in memories

Of days I felt were halcyon

Grief is a path and if I'm wise

I follow where it leads

Another sunrise come and gone

And yet my heart still bleeds

Into the coming sunset

My fragile hope sets with the sun

The pain is less than yesterday

But my loss goes on and on and on

PFK

6/03

Sunset is on the horizon

The nascent moon is in the east

I am somewhere in between

Reflecting at the very least

That life can change within a blink

And I can be a different way

The morning starts without a clue

Where I will be at the end of my day

I've learned to daily dream a dream

Which illuminates my heart

But to open each day to what happens

And see it as the unseen part

Which helps me figure more precisely

Where I ultimately need to be

And it's not always where I think

But I have come to see

The subtext which lies beneath

The one I call my own

Is my litany: Thy will not mine

Until thy will be done

It takes such faith to feel my way

Between my ego and God's will

I pray to understand and go

Beyond the beyond and until the until

PFK

8/03

I am left to wander

The devastation of this day

Recalling all the memories

I wish would go away

And not remind me of my loss

A thought too hard to bear

What consoles a broken heart

With painful memories everywhere

I have the thought to wish my mind

Would go completely numb

Today is like a new frontier

A landscape with no sun 

I am left to find my way

Down a road with broken glass

Shards of shattered memories

Of a life that didn't last

I am daunted by the journey

But I cannot stay here

Where my loss is haunting me

My love replace by fear

And I walk with no protection

I have the soul but not the shoes

But I move forward anyway

Sure I've nothing left to lose

PFK

1/04

From here I can't see but I've been to

The dark side of the moon

The other half that life can hide

In dark forbidding gloom

Where secrets and the shameful past

Are hidden and ignored

But I sought it out and looked around

The slab with its cold corpse

So I know I can determine

How the rest of my life can bloom

Because I've been there and back again

To the dark side of the moon

PFK

1/04