Change

I dread that change is coming

It will not let me sleep

It keeps me feeling aimless

It will not let me weep

It seems with anger restive

It lingers unresolved

My thoughts I cannot focus

Nor problems neatly solve

It comes at me unbidden

On quiet cat paw feet

And tingles my nerve endings

Away it will not keep

But stirs the darkest thoughts

With imagination's power

And turns a simple minute

Into the longest hour

PFK

4/06

Every day is a leap of faith

Who can know what's coming

I have the goals I figure out

Developments can be stunning

Detours figure in any given day

In spite of what I know

Bumped off my path I figure out

The Plan B way to go

With a dearth of reassurance

Who's ever prepared to be scared

Knocked off course - struggling on

Amazed that anyone cared

Enough to ask if they could help

It's as surprising as the detours

But grief and any catastrophe

Reveals support along my course

PFK

8/07

I do not deign to undermine

The way to go from here

The thought of moving on today

Just leaves me feeling queer

I think I need to hunker down

And take a little rest

But feeling somewhat reticent

Never produced my best

It takes a little work

To move forward every day

Have some faith and take a step

And trust I'll be OK

Take my time and take stock

Reflect on what I feel and see

Spend some time with what I know

Make room for the next epiphany

PFK

7/07

Honesty will move you through

What's blocked you until now

But first you have to focus

And make a heart felt vow

To give up your old controls

And get out of your head

The road taken must be ventured

With fresh soft eyes instead

To see what it is you need to see

As you pursue your quest

As kind and compassionately as you can

With hope your quiet guest

PFK

6/07

When something in your life goes wrong

Pay attention - You will learn a lot

About yourself your world your strengths

About the kind of luck you got

The experiences of your flowing life

Whether horrible of sublime

Are lessons and soul messages

To accept during your given time

On the evolving blue planet

It's your job to evolve as well

How far down the path will you get

Be patient - It takes time to tell

PFK

6/07

Speak of love

How can I speak of love

I was lost for so long

I grew up in a family 

That tried but simply got it wrong

It was the coal mine 

This canary called home

I grew up with people

But felt mostly alone

How could kind nice people have not a clue

Sadly it was most of what I knew

But how we start doesn't always determine

How far we finally grew

PFK

6/07

Morning feels broken

I can't stay out of bed

And all my crazy hopeless thoughts

Echo in my head

Why can I not fixate on

Some good love in my heart

I don't choose a good focus

Which defeats me before I start

Morning is not broken

My choices are what's wrong

To have a better outcome

I must sing a better song

PFK

6/07

I have felt depressed like you

No wish to respond at all

In the moment lost and forlorn

Without any conscious wherewithall

But that is phase you go through

If you want to finally adjust

It's a form of what everyone goes through

If they remember to do what they really must

Life doesn't happen by itself

You struggle through the good fight

If you do the work which brings results

Things slowly come out right

PFK

6/07

Make a living memory

Take a piece of time

Put it somewhere safe

Know it is sublime

As a souvenir

Like in amber cast

Captured cherished and

Simply meant to last

PFK

6/07

Finding my way

2009 was a difficult year for me. I did not think I would survive financially. But I could see a bigger picture and the slow but undeniable evolution of it all:

I see that things are shifting

And I never thought they would

But I have practiced my talent

Of turning bad to good

Sounds simple when I say it

But it took this life to see

That problems presage blessings

If I work them out - I see

I gave my life to my mother

Five years before the end

I had no foresight - No other wish

I hadn't thought of dividends

That struggle was pernicious

But good for me as well

Having done the best I could

I finally can tell

That life had slowly built me up

I thought it had worn me down

But look what I have hand

Since I leapt to live in town

And take care of my mother

It was not an easy job

Care taking was relentless

I tidied her life - And lived like a slob

Looking back the sacrifice

Was blessed and made good sense

But I never saw with foresight

What would be the consequence

I'm not sure what I have

But in my life I revel

Like water on this earth

I have found my own level

PFK

12/09

Going back to the fall of 2007, I had pushed through the transitional struggle of refinancing my home/apt. building. It took 6 months to find a bank and 6 months with the bank to complete the deal; in the middle of the last 6 months, I had colon surgery:

Life is all about detours

The disruptions to my flow

I'd prefer a life that's linear

With beginning middle end - you know

Wishes drift like leaves in the fall

Now I feel out of gear

A little I'd take - But I've gotten it all

And I'm not quite through this year

What to do with my time is my quandary

Without worry pressure doubt

Off all the stuff I've had to figure

That I haven't quite figured out

But my struggles have been successful

My coping skills are intact 

My shoes re-heeled - My water jug filled

I anticipate with faith my next act

But I really don't want to do it - I'm tired

My lethargy feels profound

My fear is somewhere hiding

My will will not rebound

And simply face my next challenge

God only knows when it will drop

And only after it does if it does when it does

Do I embrace it and patiently figure it out

PFK

9/07

For every storm there is an edge

And winds to blow away the rain

Each painful loss eventually can have

Its comforting hard earned gain

Which can simply be

Like letting go some

Of something known

Making way for new life to come

PFK

6/02

How to love the life you have

Who doesn't need to learn

But as you grow and live your life

Your truth you will discern

From everything that happens

From everything you do

And as you do the best you can

A peace comes over you

You can see it in your eyes

The small smile on your face

And thus you come to know 

The gentle touch of grace

PFK

12/04

I'm still moved by the realization that I wrote this last poem as my mother lay dying.

Thank you for visiting my thoughts and feelings with me down my sacred path.   PFK

I struggle so with changing

In the recent musical SECRET GARDEN a young girl had worked through the winter to revive a forgotten family garden.  In the spring when everything bloomed, the novice gardener was overwhelmed with the lush beauty and exclaimed: "Where did it all come from!?" A compassionate elder answered: "From all your hard work! Where do you think?"

Sometimes the reality can overwhelm the idea; emotional recovery is like that:

I struggle so with changing

It's like my chrysalis doesn't fit

Internally I'm in chaos

Quietly feeling out of it

But change - It is relentless

Opposed - It will not be

No wonder I feel helpless

With these feelings coming out of me

I could use a therapist

To observe and take good notes

To help me keep my focus

And take down all my quotes

You said you feel like giving up

What would change if you did

Now can you see more clearly

Why you did what you did

I break it down and pull it apart

To see what I can find

How it reflects precisely

All my thoughts within my mind

And the feelings that go with them

It's marvelous to see

Influences which forged my heart

In the smithy of my family

But now I am reforming

My rigid defenses melt

In the heat of all this attention

I re-feel how I felt

And I fear I cannot stand the heat

When it's just a part of me

Seeing parts and feeling parts

Redefine my heart that's Me

It can't happen if I don't do the work

On the work of art that's me

My truth I see as beautiful

Once I set my feelings free

PFK

8/09

New personal Insights

Independence Day 2008 was a poignant personal celebration for me. Of course I wrote a poem:

I'm seeing new personal insights

Right here where I stand

Looking over my personal landscape

The prodigal son - Now an old man

Through this life like a phoenix

Starting over after I'm done

Being the celebrant loser

In a quandary - Lost vs. Won

Starting over is a blessing

When I connect with things to know

Survival like grief is a process

And I go as fast as I go

It's a wonder to consider

What I've been through - Where I've gone

And the amount of time it's taken

And the amount of time undone

PFK

07/04/08

the following poem holds some thoughts about my survival. Watching PBS I heard a Peruvian ask colloquially: "How is your walking life?"

How is your walking life

is there peace in your purlieu

From dream leaving to bliss taking

Then waking up to again be new

Can you leave the past behind

And see the day fresh and clear

As it is and almost innocent

With inner knowing to balance any fear

Eyes of wonder - Eyes with joy

Showing your skies to be blue

Does your interior reflect what's outside

Or does the outside show what's in you

It's all in your perspective

The world you see from behind your eyes

And if it isn't perfect

Do not apologize

Practice living - It's worth getting right

Just see it as a holy dance

Embrace the wonders within and without

See today as a perfect chance

PFK

11/06

Surgery + sacred wounds

A month after my mother's death, I had a pain in my gut - it turned out to be diverticulitis. I had gotten the diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, while dealing with my father's Alzheimer's disease.  This was just the logical progression of the disease after  10 years of care taking my parents.

Finally my Dr. told me I should consider elective surgery to avoid emergency surgery with a perforated colon.  He explained insurance would pay for surgery after two attacks. I had had 5 attacks in 2 years. I was motivated to do it. 

I  had accomplished filing 8 years of back taxes. As I struggled to refinance my home/apt. building, I slowly ran out of money as I headed toward colon surgery. In February I faced surgery and financial chaos - not knowing until June that all would be well. I wrote the next poem several months before my surgery:

Sacred wounds in your life

That change you for all time

Unasked for daunting challenges

Seemingly without reason or rhyme

Who are we but the stories we tell

Of the journey down our sacred path

Journeys good and journeys bad

Reveal the blessing that we have

And offer us the  honest chance

To really look and see

What we're finally made of

At the cutting edge of inquiry

About how we face what scares us

Can we control our own response

Based on what we're learning

As life takes things we love

And we're forced to see into ourselves

And our own complacency shatter

Like spring thaw cracks the great sea ice

New movement reveals what's the matter

Allowing a new season to at last

Begin and welcome growth

Which comes from creation and destruction

Change at first makes us wroth

As we reflect on both pro and con

We finally come to say

Survival is as survival does

As we literally remake our way

And dig through our destruction

For the gems we find within

The rubble from our past life

And the achievements  that we win

When we face our struggle

As honestly as we can

We see the diamond gifts of hindsight

And see how it all began

PFK

11/06

The redemption of expression

I started thinking about doing this blog in a positive, albeit hesitant, insecure way in Aug 09. By the end of the year, I had lost all my savings.  In Feb 2010, I realized I had to sell my house and find Section 8 housing, seeing it as another consequence of our Great Recession. 

As my world was on the cusp of major change and transitions - a small voice inside seemed to say - "This is a good time to start something new." - I got the sense that I should go back and visit my other transitions - and heed my own wisdom in the past - and share it as well. I know I am not alone in my country, in my world.

Like a drooping, thirsty, ignored plant - Our faith needs watering - Anyway we can - To move forward with loving resolve - To find  our way. I love the lyric from a rock song: The spirit of life - Is the will to carry on

Inhale - Exhale

Take in - Let go

Nourish your faith

Practice what you know

PFK

3/10

I've been entering a group of 17 poems - but these next three poems I just wrote to cope in the present:

Oh my life is drama

I'm a victim and distressed

But not everything that happens

Needs to be addressed

I just need my focus

Minus detours with my ego

That wants to fight my dad

And refuses to let go

When awareness leads to surrender

And acceptance of what is

It belongs to no one else

Not theirs -Not hers -Not his

PFK

3/10

God help me - I have lost my way

My emotions I can't bear

I am in new territory

I have shed such bitter tears

My life is changing much too fast

I do not feel I kept

My wits in the past in check enough

Now I have to watch my step

With every step I take

When I look at my behavior

I see I dropped my faith

I have lost hope of a savior

I'm trying to save myself

I feel desperation's growl

I think of giving up

I feel that wild dogs howl

Just to make a sound

Throw it out - Let it go

In the night - To a dark moon

What do I have to know

What have I forgotten

As I stumble on my way

Lost in feeling rotten

I forget what I would say

To anyone so miserable

I can't think - I can only feel

I should only hunker down

Til I figure out what is real

PFK

3/10

God has blessed me - I can tell

I've had this healing home

All my emotional mid-life work

While here - I let it come

And worked it through & found my peace

Within these gorgeous walls

But nothing lasts forever

I can almost say I don't mind at all

I've had my many feelings

Anger Fear Anxiety Tears

But my perseverating gratitude

Assuages all my fears

Once an emotional storm passes

I'll remember what I've had

Since nothing lasts forever

Saying farewell doesn't feel all bad

And life is often bittersweet

With new growth - Change and loss

I find my balance seeing both ways

My choices are no longer a coin toss

For I have grown in confidence

Living in this - My now happy home

I built it up from its blighted state

My adventures would fill a tome

My mother inspired and included me

From her dream came my healing home

Now I have had the benefit

And it frees me to move on

PFK

3/10

Survival

I'm trying to start slow and commit to daily entries - almost 2 weeks later ... and my world having significantly shifted - I'm remembering my intent with my blog.  Last year (2009) I started saying - "Life is good. But it ain't easy."

I need to remember that - and just pick up where  I left off - RIGHT? -  So be it.

Struggling to survive financially - after my mom's death - I had to figure out and file 8 years of back taxes - 4 for my mom and 4 years for me.  I took care of her bills and daily finances but I couldn't do the taxes.  I told myself - "Do it when you can."

After her death, it took two years to get all of our taxes filed and fines paid.

The next three poems reflect my prayers and ultimate success.

Give me strength

to meet my day

Open my eyes

to see the way

Calm my heart

to find my peace

Thereby making

all doubts cease

Bless my tongue 

to use the word

So that my heart

and mind be heard

Resolve my will

to walk my path

Which gives me

all the grace I need

 PFK

1/03

I greet the day with a prayer

With love and open hands

And through them all my past will flow

Like so many grains of sand

This day is new - Let me start fresh

And see just what is there

And if I stumble on my path

I'll add another prayer

For peace and for confidence

And for some patience too

And all the strength to get me through

All I need to get through

And better if I start my day

With resolve and intentions true

(And let me not obsess upon

My list of things to do)

PFK

9/01

I WANT TO SAY PLEASE

I've learned to say Thanks

I know I'm on my way

I'm pointed in the right direction

After quite a long delay

I wasn't listening with my heart

My ego was engaged

I thought life had passed me by

My decline set and staged

But planting seeds and tilling soil

Had set me up to see

A garden that was possible

Which in time has come to be

The place I always wanted

To relax in and take stock

Of a life I healed and nurtured

I feel I've turned back the clock

And life is so much better

And I am so content

And I am so much better

My growth has been well spent

PFK

3/06